10 days since my treatment stopped – that’s one of the ways I look at it now. It gives me a sense of leaving that part behind, and the further I am away from that the better. Before then I was racing towards what was the finishing line, my last day of treatment.
Now I’m in the middle of the “worse before it gets better” period which has been really tough too.
I find myself in a tunnel, looking back and seeing a glimpse of light from where I came from only just recently; as I look in front of me I see a bigger light which really draws me forward – yep, I’ve got some way to go but that sense of reaching another particular point, not necessarily in time but in my health and wellbeing.
Time can become a nuisance now, just as it was in the middle of treatment.
My treatment has stopped – it’s all up to me and my body to do the rest I guess, as it has been doing. There is that restless sense and energy within me that wants to get back to ‘normal’ again – but with that comes its own set of questions and understanding for the future and more importantly the here and now. Will things be the same again – on certain levels, yes I reckon, but on others no.
At the moment, it’s battle of mind and body, each with their own agenda.
I have been drenched in toxins and baked in radiation in the true light of day – my body needs a break but it needs encouragement and a boost too! I have been very weak these past few months – I have lost weight and muscle mass too, although I didn’t have that much to begin with!
I have to build myself back up again – I want to be the six million dollar man – stronger, faster better! No pressure there then.
I have to push myself now to get out and about and walk a little – get the physiology moving. I have been a little nervous to stray too far – sounds crazy but that’s how it has been.
There’s a pressure almost for me to get back up and running asap – it’s what is expected of me. I have a life to lead and my world of massaging and my clients to get back too. I had plans to venture off this summer and other plans in 2 years time – they were suddenly shelved but I want to pick up and run with those again – all in good time.
What I really want to do is to simply sit around a table whether family or friends and just eat and drink – just to enjoy and savour each mouthful! Precious moments… (without a plastic tube sticking out of my belly)
Over the last few months I haven’t given Cancer too much thought – yes, it’s evidently there but I haven’t dwelt upon it too much – there doesn’t seem to be any other option than a clean bill of health. However, I know my mind and it does think about all eventualities because that’s how I deal with things – contingency plans. Certain thoughts do make a dramatic entrance at the doors of my mind – bang, bang rather than a polite knock, but I’ll cross that bridge, as and when necessary.
My body will do its best, and it yes it still needs a lot of encouragement to get back to a health I’m more familiar with.
I’ve been institutionalised in one way or another these last few months – I need to slowly reintroduce my mind body and spirit back into the world I left behind recently – it really feels like that and I know it will be no easy undertaking either.
I was quite “down” this week, really tired but I have kept occupied one way or another and had some still, quiet and peaceful moments too.
Little by little, day by day there are subtle shifts – too damn subtle for me, but nevertheless there is a healing underway.
It’s the subtle things that actually make the difference that’s for sure – we all want the tangible, gross things that make an impact, a change, something ‘obvious’ to the eye, to the mind, but energy works on such subtle levels and vibrations that by and large will somehow pass us by, yet there they are working away, ever-present, pervading and powerful.
It’s when I sit in silence and bring myself back to my breath, settle into my body and take a few moments do I truly realise the power of stillness.
I hope you have had or will have a few still moments too in the days ahead – just to be, rather than do.