I’m late…you’ve probably been wondering where I’ve been – a little presumptuous of me I know.
A few days out of synch that’s all. I did spend a mindful meditative afternoon yesterday washing my car – I haven’t done that in a very long time and it was pleasurable, and quite a nice workout too.
Tomorrow will be a month since I finished my chemoradiation treatment – 69 days ago treatment began, 27 days ago treatment finished.
And just to let you know, I woke up this morning and went to the loo and became a very proud and happy owner of a very normal poo! Oh the good life…(too much information? ) For me it’s a landmark occasion, it really is – so if I am to share a few ups and downs this is surely one of the ups without a doubt.
Skinny – yes, blood count low- yes, blood pressure very low – yes, a little weak – yes, throat and mouth troublesome – yes ( to be expected) eating pleasure seriously affected – yes, sadly.
Physical state – much better in these last 2 weeks.
I am sure people think I am going to look a bit of a state when they see me (which I was a matter of a few weeks ago without a doubt) but the few people I’ve met have commented on how well I actually look considering…and I am beginning to feel a sense of ‘normal’ which comes and goes – perhaps the usual ebb & flow of the human psyche and the acute sense of my physical body can slow the process down though.
My plan is building strength and eating more – the sooner I do that the sooner I can have my stomach PEG removed which will also be another landmark occasion.
My mind is a little preoccupied, frustrated to a degree but more upbeat – thinking about the weeks ahead, opportunities for a few days away, thinking about work and a point in time in the next few weeks having seen the doctors etc that I can, having regained some strength and weight to enter a new phase in my recovery, to get back to normal.
I do feel a sense of urgency now albeit I am not quite ready to rock and roll! But to get cracking with a few things I need, and have wanted, to sort out in a while. Medically, I think I will have a scan in the next couple of months to see what’s what. Meanwhile, I’d like to use the time ahead effectively so when I reach the point of knowing the results of my scan, I’ll be in a position of strength, once more.
Current obsession: Food. The only food that I can readily eat without any reservation or hesitation, 24/7, is weetabix. There’s something about the texture as you add the milk before it gets too soggy. It’s cooling and quite satisfying – who would have thought it, although I did grow up on cereals of all varieties. I remember going to France as a young lad where cereal, at that time, was non-existent so being presented with bread and jam was shocking? Du pain et de la confiture sounds more appetising right…
The hunger pangs are very slowly resurfacing which is difficult if you want to put on weight and keep the dieticians happy in order to have my PEG removed. If I am not careful, a day can pass and I haven’t necessarily felt hungry at all. What is crucial too is my fluid intake to keep hydrated.
I am trying to find or wait for my appetite to re-kindle itself. I have tried many of my favourite foods only to find that the taste and/ or sensation, texture etc just doesn’t work – it’s a real nuisance (I have stronger words to emphasise my disappointment but I’ll keep it simple)
Not even a Steak is enjoyable, or a sherry trifle, and to add insult to injury my favourite victoria sponge with fresh cream – what is going on? (well, I know the answer to that but I just wanted to underline my frustration)
I drenched a crumpet in butter and maple syrup and couldn’t taste that either although I did eat half and soon after one of the vultures ( a member of my family) swooped down and demolished the rest.
Going to try some Porky White sausages for diner, the best sausage around in my humble opinion – fingers crossed.
I will persevere, I will.
I have decided in the last few days to write a blog on a monthly basis from now on. I know there is always something to write about and clearly I am entering a new phase of my recovery. I know it is early days and I am not out of the woods yet but I will keep you posted and I may even change my mind and decide to pop a few thoughts down in the weeks ahead.
Before I step back from foreground to background just to let you know my old mobile number is back up and running: 07976 605607.
I am not that far away and you can drop me a line, call me, text me, or hook up and shoot the breeze for a while.