Still breathing…

An abandoned narrative of almost 3 years ago is salvaged from the murky depths…

Straight off the bat, he is still alive and kicking although he is now deliberately tempting the gods by stating that very fact. Lightning may well now strike him down – may the lord have mercy on his soul.

This does feel like a sequel of sorts. I’d just like to scratch the surface, if I may.

I have thought on so, so many occasions that I’ve lost count. Lost count on when I should pick up from where I left off with my Absolute Recovery blog.

To inform and shed light on my current state of ‘play’. I feel now is the time – if indeed there is ever a right time.

But I know you’re all busy getting on with your own realities. First of all, I just want to shout out to you all, well done for having made it this far too – it’s not easy.

We all have a story to tell – many stories I’m sure. Many degrees or depths of thought you can’t even fathom yourself? Sink into them sometimes like a cosy bed and just let them wash over you. It may feel like you’re rolling over Niagara falls in a barrel or it could be a light autumnal shower just gently peppering your face, teasing you with words, and ideas that you need to scribble down.

I get lost in my thoughts but in all honesty I’ve probably been lost there for some time now – is there anybody there?

Yep, I should get back on track before I derail slowly but surely into a ditch – how embarrassing!

You’ve probably gathered quite quickly that I’m not pushing up the daisies just yet. Hell no, although I’d like my ashes (a sandier, grittier, slightly lighter version of my current self) to be set free, off a beautiful scenic rocky Cliffside, up from the serene and peaceful cove alongside my Paa, who passed away last year – God rest his soul.

For now, my feet are still planted on the ground.

I find myself in Thailand. Let me stop you right there….

I am not a ‘sex’ tourist trawling the streets of Bangkok.

I am not lying on a beach sipping cocktails or hanging loose at some full-moon party – although that actually sounds like fun.

I don’t have a back pack with war and peace hanging out the back.

I haven’t been ordained as a Buddhist monk – yet!

Nor am I, high on a mountain top, eloquently dropping into a yoga flow, downward dog, as the sun rises with a misty fog circling my meditative space as I contemplate my navel and the promise of a new dawn.

What I can tell you is that I am in a quiet road, which is off a busy little road, which is just off a very busy main road. Scooters and pick-up trucks hurtling back and forth. The faint distance drum of industrial clatter. The birds chirping away in Thai. It’s October and the weather is getting cooler.. more agreeable, at least for me. A gentle breeze is forcing its way through the mosquito net and the fan is spinning away on number 2, just keeping the humidity at bay.

I’m sitting at my desk surrounded by bumpf, intentions, ideas and far too much procrastination – same old story.  

I recently came back from the UK with a stash of Clipper organic tea, so I am sipping away conservatively as I have a limited number of tea bags – it’s not quite a ship wrecked feeling of having nothing to eat or drink, but there are a few creature comforts you just can’t get here or if you can it’s very expensive. Tea bags are quite expensive.

I look out on to some banana trees and an Airbus 380 heading right over head. It’s a pleasant view where I can cast my gaze for a while steering clear from the hustle and bustle of real Thailand life.

Did I tell you I am a recluse?

The last 2-3 years have been eventful, exhausting, full of sadness and happiness too, in no particular order. Just that big mixing bowl of life where we get tossed and turned, and we just have to hold on, gripping the edge of the bowl. The word bowl, I am sorry, just made me think of a toilet bowl for a just a split second. Well, life can get pretty shitty sometimes let’s face it! 

Suffice to say, I am ok in the grand scheme of things. My family lead their lives, close friends drop in and out. I drop below the radar and vanish for a few hours, a few days.

So, I remain, as far as I am aware, at this moment, cancer free. Every day, in the background, in the back of my mouth lies a visual reminder that things could change…we all know that right? My conscience throws these ugly reminders right, slap bang in my face! 

I noticed a yellow spot in my mouth last December that was hanging around. You know when something’s not right, right? This wasn’t right. Turns out I was right.

Some of my cells have gone ‘rogue’ probably due to the radiation treatment, ironically (Dysplasic ) Kill or cure, huh? There are various levels of severity before it gets ugly – my last check, earlier on this year, revealed a ‘mild’ dysplasia which was reassuring, at least.

It is hard to gauge sometimes – who knows what lurks beneath. There is only so much chopping and slicing of the mouth and throat mucosa before it starts to disrupt everyday life – it is a tricky one.

It does on occasions scare the living daylights out of me when I think about the what ifs?

It could go away, remain or get worse. I remain diligent with my trusty powerful LED torch to scour the recesses of my mouth and throat which is how I spotted the abnormality in the first place. Clearly, if the pendulum decides to swing out of my favour then I’ll have to deal with it…for now I remain blissful in a non-ignorant state of WTF!

Back to me Bananas – did I mention my bananas? I have access to a banana tree which in the next month or two will be ready to hand over its bounty ! I am not a local Banana plantation owner but I have been watching a crew of local fishermen in a reservoir right outside my window who harvest the Bananas that grow around its borders – picked up a few tips too.

If you ‘Google’ map Thailand certainly in Bangkok, and its greater suburbs, you’ll see little tributaries, veins and arteries seeping through the land providing life, irrigation and a living for many, I think.

Time-out, as I send you some good vibes to each and everyone. I may not have heard or seen you for many months, lost contact but that’s life pushing us in many different directions, all at the same time.

We just have to plough through the ups and downs. May the downs be brief and fade in time and may the pleasant and happy times wash over and through you – cleansing your often tired and weary bones.

Where I will likely be in 6-12 months time – I am not sure.

I’ll continue to drive up that little dirt track just as the sun’s setting – not knowing exactly where I’m going but as long as that track is in front of me and I haven’t run out of light, I’ll just keep on going. 

There have been times when I’ve battled up a few narrow roads which led to nowhere – I’ve had to backup which was damn tricky and frustrating as hell. But you get back on track, or take another fork at the junction, cross your fingers and close your eyes . No, hang on, if you’re driving that’s just plain crazy…. No, that’s just the journey sometimes – a leap of faith is required.

Don’t fight it, don’t struggle –just take a deep breath and let go.

For now, I bid you farewell. Thanks for listening to my rambling. It’s good to fire off a few neurons on paper. 

Be safe, be happy as we draw slowly to the last few weeks of 2017.

Finally, I may jot down my thoughts and experiences of being overseas, in completely different worlds. If that is something you’d like to see, read and experience along with me then let me know.

A quick tip:

If you crack an egg into a bowl and some of the shell falls in, as it often does…you know how difficult it can be to extract the shell with your fingers, or a spoon etc – only to find you crunch into that little bit of lost shell a little later on!?

Anyway, my revelation came when I heard that you should try using the actual egg shell to get hold of the slippery bit that that drives you nuts. For years I had struggled, but now life and cracking eggs in a bowl is less stressful – yes, it requires a little technique but it works for me, at least. Just had to share that with you.

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6 thoughts on “Still breathing…

  1. Tanya Bell says:

    Ade, wonderful to hear from you. As every your words are sublime, making me think more deeply and laugh at your delectable humour. Keep exploring this world and sending word. I feel like I am exploring with you when I read your words. As for me, I am a nursing Sister now, managing my own team. I’m studying too, just to add to the list of ever growing nursing needs. I’m taking my sassy, rude, amazing and swearing teenage daughter to Barcelona for her 16th birthday at the end of the month – can’t wait haha. Love you lots, Tanya xx

    • Thanks Tanya- and well done you gal! You’ve put in a lot of blood sweat and tears – and come along way too! Enjoy mum & daughter bonding in Barcelona – big hugs, Ade

  2. Robert Pangborn says:

    Hi Ade,
    Good to hear from you. I haven’t read it all yet but it pinged up on my phone and I unsubscribed not knowing who this was from, until I got home. Great to hear that all is going swimmingly and I will subscribe again as soon as I work out how to.
    Bestest regards
    Rob…………..

  3. Anne Davies says:

    Well done, Ade! Thanks for sharing. ‘Living in the present’ and enjoying what is left of our beautiful planet is the answer, in my opinion. Xoxoxox, Anne.
    .

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