A brief encounter…
I wasn’t too sure what to say, where to start and so as I mulled over a few thoughts in my head I decided it best to pop a few down before the moment passes.
I’ve entered into my 3rd week of treatment.
I will be honest, my mood has been low all week and I can’t quite snap out of it. The upshot being, I know, I’ve been quite withdrawn, non-communicative and wanting to be ok with Mr. Recluse instead of Mr. chatty man.
Try as I may to perk myself up there has been a longing to be a monk who can slip into a temporary meditative space for a few weeks and then just slowly come round back into reality, shake myself down and get on with life, slowly slowly once again.
There is a routine, with the daily trips to the hospital. Other than that it’s me in slow mode trying to keep moving but that’s certainly not the case, on the whole.
My life revolves around trying to eat when, for many reasons, physical and mental too I really don’t feel like it.
I won’t go into the side effects and symptoms to underline this feeding battle but lots of medications and then more medications to counter the side effects of other medications. It just upsets the gut big time and my mouth and throat are also not ‘feeling’ themselves either but it’s the healing affects I know.
It really is a battle of the mind. I am no more courageous, focussed or determined than the next man or woman. I am, I’ll admit, not that good at looking after myself. I do have my family of course looking out for me – I think I have apologized to them that if I am bit ‘off’ and not really interested in engaging in conversation – sorry guys, please stick with me for a few more weeks…
I am living day by day and forecasting a week ahead, in my mind, counting down the days.
I distract myself with music and film. I also have a little walking route I take to stretch my legs from time to time.
Come Fridays I am knocked out by the afternoon. It’s not like a sleepy tired moreover I just have to lie down for a few hours. That’s exactly what I did yesterday. I got up late in the evening and sat on the sofa, watching a movie and resting there pretty much all night, napping here and there. I was quite comfortable and having layed on the bed all evening I wasn’t wanting to head back there right away but I eventually did about 10am today hitting the hay for a couple of hours.
When I’m at hospital I just want to get in and get out, and generally I can although Wednesdays and certainly Thursdays can be long days.
On Wednesday, I ended up having a chat with 2 other guys in a very similar situation to me – all undergoing the same treatment, at different stages. A little older than me, but fit men, who have looked after themselves.
I have been shying away from engaging in conversations but we were all there at the same time in the waiting area, one guy I have seen every Thursday for chemo. Plus, Simon the young guy who is also battling but with something different – he appeared too, all waiting for our radiation treatment.
We swopped a few sob stories about mouths, bellys, feeding tubes and experiences thus far and also had few laughs too! Some nice camaraderie for a short while.
There is the unspoken word that for me is also very powerful. I know there are very much two aspects to my personality – I can be at times very engaging and out there but I am also very happy to kick back in to my quiet reflective mode and withdraw a little – I simply need to do it – a coping mechanism of sorts, I guess.
I have had a busy mind in a limbo state. It’s me in a very unsettled space – that’s it.
I have dwelt upon things I haven’t wanted to dwell on. I feel like my mind is weak and is being constantly dragged into some dark places. This will surely happen that’s what the mind does. It’s trying to find a balance, or a status quo in this limbo state I am in. To get a grip and drop down a gear – I’ve been revving up and down with my energies all week and I am tired, a little fed up and frustrated!
There’s not much juice in the tank, and I know I’m running a little on empty.
I feel like an engine that’s been pulled into the sidings off the main station for a little rest and recuperation. That sounds quite nice doesn’t it but it is also being ‘sidelined’ too. I just want to head back out, full steam ahead and blast my horn – soon.
Signing off, Ade.